when someone you love with your entire being, finally gets fed up to the point that they’re completely done with the relationship. There’s always a little bit of false hope I hold onto, and end up hurting myself more than a said and done relationship. It’d be nice for those close to me to read this. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to, because right now I need someone more than ever. I’ve never felt so alone and shunned.
A broken heart is one thing to deal with, but it’s even harder to swallow the fact that you’re in the wrong. It’s hard for anyone to admit they’ve done something so foul, that the damage done to said person is irreversible. All of my apologies have stacked up so high, and now I’m paying the price and drowning in them. It’s to a point that I’m so nauseated with myself, I feel as if I’m so undeserving of even something such as a friend at times like this. This is where I lose myself in my own mind, and the point in my life where my emotional wreckage is magnified. I never mean to hurt someone in a relationship. As much hatred as I have towards everyone in this world, my sole intention is to not damage someone who is already damaged. I’d expect someone to do the same for me, but that’s not the way the world works. Everyone is out for their own personal satisfaction. I’m not one to judge though, a lot of the time I find myself doing the exact same thing.
I can’t say I’m not used to this, because it’s repeated itself since my first actual ‘real’ relationship in 10th grade, and has continued it’s course through the years. I haven’t known how to act when it comes to relationships. I’m so used to getting dumped, getting back together, and then for everything to repeat again. I don’t stress when shit hits the fan, because the vicious circle will more often than not bring the person back to me. Or in this specific case, me back to them. Pleading for another chance, when it’s undeserving. I’ve had too many chances. And now I need to kneel, and deal with the consequences of my misconstrued thoughts, and poor actions.
It’s honestly disgusting what I do to people, and most of the time I do it without realization, or can’t even come to terms with what I’ve said earlier when it’s right in front of me. There’s always a part of me that disengages with someone during the relationship, and it’s always because I am so deathly afraid of being abandoned. Everyone gets the low down of my insecurities and struggles. I usually try to provide said person with a ‘disclosure’ of sorts, at the way beginning. Every girl claims to have ‘insecurity issues’ and ‘emotional instability’ - but every guy’s superiority complex takes over, and they assume the role of taking on the responsibility to fix said girl. Picking up the pieces, if you will. And when the task doesn’t get fulfilled, that’s usually when my relationship starts to go sour. The back and forth break ups. Always thinking ‘this time will get better’, but never putting the actual effort into it. Taking whomever it may be for granted, because if we broke up and got back together, it’ll happen next time. Right?
I need to break away from my thoughts. I need to figure out how to control myself and my actions before I jump into another relationship, or even a fling with someone. In a way, I feel like I’m infamous for my shitty, repetitive relationships, because everyone always has their eyes glued to my drama. And of course, will always put their two cents in whether it’s asked for or not. Give it a rest faggots, let me breathe and get my act together. If you see someone hurting, either ignore it or say something positive. It’s completely unneseccary for someone to hide behind anonymous, and spam my ask box with things that aren’t even their business. Things they have absolutely no right to be speaking about. No one knows what’s going on right now with my previous relationship, except for me. And if you’re privileged enough for me to put my trust in you and talk to you about it, you need to learn how to not gossip. But of course, congratulations to whomever (had to have been one person) who took hours out of their day to check up on my Tumblr, because I have turned off my anonymous button for the time being. I can’t take the same repetitive rude commentary every three minutes, as you’d get fed up just the same.
In conclusion, I promise whoever gives me the time of day next will be treated like gold, and I will do everything in my power not to wrong or hurt you. I just need some time, and someone who’s more than willing to help me through the bullshit in my head that’s haunted me for years. And more than ever, I’d like to apologize. I let my insecurities get to me, once again, and hurt someone who never deserved to be hurt. So if you’re reading this, just know I’ll always love you buddy. You’re my best goddamned friend, and I won’t let a shitty break up / relationship ruin it. :)